Part Three

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:16

One of the two hardest things I have ever done, is to walk out of the hospital without my babies. The hospital let me stay til Friday, a couple of days were in the room and then another day in the NICU parent lounge. Then they made me go home. My husband and I walked out, I cried all the way to the car and all the way home. The next day started my 99 trips to the hospital. It was actually quite a bit more. I would get up, find someplace for my older to kids to go or bring them with, and go to the hospital. I would stay a few hours and then go home, take care of the family and go back once my husband got home to watch the kids. I learned to parallel park. Sorta of.

I think it was maybe 5 days in when we got a call that we needed to get back to the hospital right away, Kevin was in trouble. We left our big guy in charge until mom-in-law could get there and drove as fast as we could to the hospital. Kevin had a massive brain hemorrhage. One of the blood vessels had burst and all his blood went into his head. They were able to stop it but there had been a lot of damage. For the next week, I was there. I don't know who took care of my kids. I don't know when I got there or left of how. I remember my feet being super swollen and sleeping with my head on his incubator. I remember a few key friends running my life and running interference. No one got near me with a woeful or negative attitude. We were having faith that God was going to heal our little guy. We prayed only in the positive. Only spoke positive about the future. I remember feeling like I was neglecting Josh because Kevin was so fragile. I remember the look on the surgeons face when he came out from putting in a stint to keep the fluids off of his brain. I claimed victory anyway.

We had to make a choice. We decided to take him off of life support. The night before, they finally let me hold him. Our pastor came and anointed him with oil and I held him til he died. There is a pain that sits in the middle of my chest. It is deep and solid and aches. It has never gone away. Most of the time, it is quiet and I live around it. The second half of May, even without me consciously thinking about it, it grows. Big birthdays, 2, 5, 10 and now 13 are hard. They are momentous and I always wonder what would it be like if...Some years are better than others. This one has been pretty bad.

Kevin was buried on a sunny day, don't know what day of the week. He had a little bitty coffin, not much bigger than a shoe box. There were only friends and relatives there, that was all I could handle. He is buried on top of where my mom-in-law will be buried. My father-in-law and sister-in-law are buried right next to him. I used to go out and visit all the time. Now, I go every other year.

At schul this past week, we read this psalm. I was already on the edge, having cried all night the night before after hearing a song. The water works began again. It is embarrassing when you can't control your emotions. I didn't want to explain. I'm grateful no one asked why I ran out of service.

I don't know why God let my baby die. I see other twins and wonder, why not me God. I know all the stuff about God and His infinite wisdom and all the other platitudes that are given to grieving parents.....blah blah blah.....but it never answers the question, why me. But life goes on. I know there is a God who loves me. I have to much in my life not to believe that. The experience of Kevin's life and death set me down a path that has lead me to where we are now. God I never doubt, His plans and reasoning are a mystery.

And as if that wasn't enough, the doctors now said that Josh needed heart surgery. Very common in little premies, some part of their little hearts haven't closed. Talk about panic!